Woke up with this little stinker tucked in next to me. I have no clue how long he's been there. Cracks me up. I love staring at him when he's quiet and still. It's a rarity. Trust me. Seems like I'm dreaming.
I've updated y'all a bit about the medication that Dr. U recommended I continue as part of a maintenance drug protocol to prevent Estrogen positive breast cancer recurrence (ER+). Mostly requests to forgive my cookiness and blame the Tamoxifen :)
Tamoxifen is a common drug for premenopausal women with a history of ER+ breast cancers. The standard guidelines do recommend this drug for me too...although, technically, I had triple negative breast cancer (2 biopsies showed very very low ER+ results...only 2-4%). Even though I had a very low percentage of ER+ receptors on the tumors I had, I am still considered a triple negative breast cancer survivor.
Tamoxifen does not stop my body from producing Estrogen, but it does basically bind to the Estrogen my body makes and makes it useless (in the event that cancer cells developed that 'feed' on Estrogen, this would be a good thing!). But bottom line is, my body did not produce those types of cells and taking this medication has no real known benefit for me, some scary risks, and lots of icky side effects. And I've had 2.5 really smart doctors tell me this (Dr. U only counts as a half-not half smart, but half a vote. haha. because even though he told me this, he is the only one who thinks I should continue on the drug). I've been taking the pill everyday. Every day for over a year now. My first 3-4 months were a nightmare. Now, I feel much much better. But still, I don't believe to my potential. And also, my gut has always told me that this stuff is bad for me. My body needs Estrogen to fuel things and balance things. The hormones in our bodies are a very delicate beautifully created system. Jacking with these things does not feel right. Especially knowing that there is a very small theoretical benefit to preventing a cancer recurrence for a cancer that I never really had in the first place.
Every single dang day when I pop that Tamoxifen pill, I think, I can do this. This might be the thing that keeps me cancer free. But my brain says, 'Jenn! Don't do it! This pill is not good for you and pretending that it is a miracle drug is silly.' Sometimes I think about it so long, it starts dissolving in my mouth before I even swallow it. Blech. This is not a great way to start the day. There is no reason to continue on a track powering through all that I have been just because I want to have some type of control of my situation. It's not real. I've given it up to God. Asked Him to take over. I have had so many signs that this is not right for me. Like one of the best triple negative breast cancer doctors in the world say, 'Jenn, this is not right for you.' hahaha.
I've mentioned before that I will do whatever I have to do to prevent a recurrence of breast cancer. Trust me, living without Estrogen is not a comparison to living with breast cancer and chemo. But after lots and lots and lots of praying, I've decided to take a Tamoxifen break. I stopped taking it a few days ago. No, I don't feel any different. hahaha. But I am going to give it a shot for a month or 2 and see. I may end up picking it back up because I'm still crazy even without the drug and I need something to blame it on :)
When I decided to quit taking the med, I needed some time alone to just talk to God and let it go. Typically, I'm the lady taking up half the trail with my big jogging stroller, weaving in and out of people on the busy dirt track. There are always zillions of awesome Austinites out and about. Any of you who know what the trails around Town Lake in Austin are like, would appreciate the blessing I was given that morning. Check out my view. I had to stop and take a picture because it really was unbelievable. 5 miles. Not a single freaking person. I kept thinking, is this real life? I called Jonathon when I was done and he thought it sounded scary. haha. I had the trail all to myself with the smell of the rain and the beautiful trees. The sun popped out. Cool breeze on my face. It was exactly what I needed to clear my head and just be grateful. No worries. Just thankful, thankful, thankful. Peaceful. Happy.
I'm choosing to let go of control (for now. well, at least a month. hahaha) and let life do it's beautiful thing.
Win the Day!
Love
Jenn
