Don't Freak Out!

Every time I call my mom at an odd time or unexpectedly, the first thing I disclaim is, don't worry mom, I don't have cancer again. hahaha. She always laughs (and then sighs with relief). So don't worry, Win the Day peeps...I don't have any signs of cancer again, but I definitely still have random and frequent bouts of crazy :)

My little buddy and I have been all over the country this summer...west coast, east coast and a few places in between. A bit overwhelming since I'm so behind in posting, I picked just one little pic of us on one of our trips when we had to sit behind one of those people on the plane who loses his manners and forgets that when they let one slip out, others pay the price. For a 2 hour long flight.

Don't worry, Austin let the whole plane know all about it when we landed. His voice has only one volume and it's not the volume you want when you would like him to keep something hush hush in public :)

So...it's been forever since I've posted anything here, and this will be the last one! I've decided...drum roll please...to join a social media site!!! Friends rejoice! You have FINALLY (some have been trying since MySpace was around in the late 90's) convinced me to try it out. Not Facebook, but I'll let you know how to keep in touch with me at the end here...

I'm not sure why I am so anti social media. No shade on you social media addicts. I just never understood in the heck you do it all! I barely have energy to put my yoga pants on in the morning to make breakfast at a decent hour, let alone a cute pair with my hair done and make up on looking fab after a 5 am run. And then the effort to take a pic and post it? Makes me nervous I'm going to fail miserably at this.

People always laugh at me when I text them pictures of what other people share with me...they are like duh! I saw that on Facebook yesterday! haha. The only way I know what is going on in my friends' and family members' lives is if they *gasp* reach out and contact me...crazy, I know! And the only people from high school who I have a clue what they look like or do these days are the handful of peeps who I am actually friends with and see every now and again. Crazy, right? HA! Now, don't get me wrong. The secret stalking of some people I'm curious about has always appealed to me, but I can see how I might never be able to disconnect once I go down the where are they now trail!

I also know from writing this blog, that you can make your life look like whatever you want, or don't want it to look like by what you share...how you share it...what cute pics you decide to attach...it makes me nervous that I'll get sucked into trying to capture moments to share rather than just being in the moment and soaking it up. I already have a tendency to have my mind racing and planning and thinking ahead, like thinking about how I'm going to rinse all the damn sand off at the beach before we get in the car instead of just enjoying me and my kid's time rolling around in the mess and dealing with it later. And it's soo much pressure...how do you choose a profile pic?? Something cute, silly, my cute kid, a meme, paleo tacos?? SO MUCH PRESSURE! I'm on step one and I can already see myself giving up on this game.

I do miss writing and publishing journals, but for now, I'm continuing my blogging break. You can keep up with little snippets of my life on Instagram

@jennkinchen

where I'll be stalking housewives from Bravo and paleo bloggers and posting obnoxious amounts of photos of me and my kid.

Miss you all and pray that everyone is out there doing the damn thing, enjoying the moment and of course don't forget to WIN THE DAY!

Love
Jenn

You can always just put the other one on!

I just found this draft I never published...enjoy! And YES! I am still dealing with managing my weight 7 months later.


One of Austin's teachers was out a few days last week and Austin had the most hilarious story he told everyone within earshot (which is pretty much a 1/2 mile radius if you've ever heard his whisper volume). He overheard the teachers talking about 'surgery.' So in his little 4 year old mind, Ms. Delores 'has breast cancer and she's having surgery to remove her sick breast. When she comes back to school, she's only going to have one breast. But it's ok. When she goes out to have fun with her friends, she can just put another one on like you Mom.'

Hahaha. Ms. Delores definitely does not have breast cancer. The surgery he overheard about was her husband's knee surgery. She was out to help him recover. Poor kid knows too much too early :) And as for putting on another boobie when you go out with your friends...I went to my hilarious girlfriend, Kristin's, bachelorette party a while back and he caught me slipping it into my shirt. I hope his advanced anatomy lessons do not get him kicked out of school one day (checkout how gorgeous the bride looked!!).

Life without Tamoxifen update. Not much to note...I feel ok. When I was on Tamoxifen I went through periods where I felt kind of 'blah' not really happy or sad. I know I'm getting back to my good old sensitive Jenn self when I tear up if I see a homeless guy on the corner, a cheesy commercial, pretty clouds...hahaha. Nothing really that different to note, if anyone's really interested, get in touch with me and I'll fill you in on details, but one really annoying bullet point I will share is that my weight BALLOONED when I quit taking it. I am, no joke, at the same weight I was when I delivered Austin! No changes in diet (y'all will not be surprised that I am extremely rigid about what I eat...home made bone broth, at least 1 lb of organic veggies a day, green juices, grass fed/pastured meats...I'm really annoying about it too. haha), plus I actually increased my exercise significantly. I had shin splints from running for 3 weeks in a row and was steadily pounding at the trail 5 days a week.

Pounds packing on week after week. So frustrating. I have never had difficulty losing weight. I've never been a stick, but when my jeans have gotten a little tighter, I could lose a few pounds easily. Consulted 3 docs about it and they all say it's jacked up hormones. My body's adjusting back to having usable Estrogen and there's really nothing more any of them could recommend for me to do differently. Well dammit. Hopefully, things will balance out and I'll quit needing to buy a bigger size stretchy pants every 3 weeks. haha. You know it's bad when even your stretchy pants dig into your gut.

Love
Jenn

Love you just the way God made you...

Hope you all had the best best best day with your most favorite people.

Around our house this season, we just can't stop thinking about our little (or BIG) Angel Nick.

Can you believe the pic from above the football stands for the first game after Nick's accident (ugh. still don't know how to say that). Think he took his little (BIG)  finger and wrote LOVE right across the sky for everyone watching to see. Love me some pink clouds. Austin knows it and always points them out to me.

His birthday was a few weeks ago and Austin said, 'Mom, we can still celebrate Nick...ice CREEEEAM!!!!' So of course, we did. With local, organic low-temp pasteurized organic ice cream...ugh...sorry Nick, no DQ here...

Headed home to Nebraska where Austin got the coolest Galvan 58 jersey. When Jonathon asked my family if they had their approval to marry me, they asked if he would consider changing his name to Galvan. haha.

Came home before Santa came and loved us some bulletproof hot cocoa in our new favorite Galvan Construction mug before nodding off (holy cow, yes, I know the wall of Austin in the background is obnoxious...AND I love it)...

So, tonight, like every stinking night, we said our WIN THE DAY prayers..I wish I could have a recording of every prayer we have made in the last 4 years. At the end of our prayers thanking God for our family and friends and for keeping Nick safe in Heaven (Austin's words) and we said Amen...Austin wanted to tell me that he 'loved me the best and loved me just the way God made me'. 

Best gift EVER.

Love you all. Just the way God made you.

WIN THE DAY
Jenn

Is this real life??

Woke up with this little stinker tucked in next to me. I have no clue how long he's been there. Cracks me up. I love staring at him when he's quiet and still. It's a rarity. Trust me. Seems like I'm dreaming.

I've updated y'all a bit about the medication that Dr. U recommended I continue as part of a maintenance drug protocol to prevent Estrogen positive breast cancer recurrence (ER+). Mostly requests to forgive my cookiness and blame the Tamoxifen :)

Tamoxifen is  a common drug for premenopausal women with a history of ER+ breast cancers. The standard guidelines do recommend this drug for me too...although, technically, I had triple negative breast cancer (2 biopsies showed very very low ER+ results...only 2-4%). Even though I had a very low percentage of ER+ receptors on the tumors I had, I am still considered a triple negative breast cancer survivor.

Tamoxifen does not stop my body from producing Estrogen, but it does basically bind to the Estrogen my body makes and makes it useless (in the event that cancer cells developed that 'feed' on Estrogen, this would be a good thing!). But bottom line is, my body did not produce those types of cells and taking this medication has no real known benefit for me, some scary risks, and lots of icky side effects. And I've had 2.5 really smart doctors tell me this (Dr. U only counts as a half-not half smart, but half a vote. haha. because even though he told me this, he is the only one who thinks I should continue on the drug). I've been taking the pill everyday. Every day for over a year now. My first 3-4 months were a nightmare. Now, I feel much much better. But still, I don't believe to my potential. And also, my gut has always told me that this stuff is bad for me. My body needs Estrogen to fuel things and balance things. The hormones in our bodies are a very delicate beautifully created system. Jacking with these things does not feel right. Especially knowing that there is a very small theoretical benefit to preventing a cancer recurrence for a cancer that I never really had in the first place.

Every single dang day when I pop that Tamoxifen pill, I think, I can do this. This might be the thing that keeps me cancer free. But my brain says, 'Jenn! Don't do it! This pill is not good for you and pretending that it is a miracle drug is silly.' Sometimes I think about it so long, it starts dissolving in my mouth before I even swallow it. Blech. This is not a great way to start the day. There is no reason to continue on a track powering through all that I have been just because I want to have some type of control of my situation. It's not real. I've given it up to God. Asked Him to take over. I have had so many signs that this is not right for me. Like one of the best triple negative breast cancer doctors in the world say, 'Jenn, this is not right for you.' hahaha.

I've mentioned before that I will do whatever I have to do to prevent a recurrence of breast cancer. Trust me, living without Estrogen is not a comparison to living with breast cancer and chemo. But after lots and lots and lots of praying, I've decided to take a Tamoxifen break. I stopped taking it a few days ago. No, I don't feel any different. hahaha. But I am going to give it a shot for a month or 2 and see. I may end up picking it back up because I'm still crazy even without the drug and I need something to blame it on :)

When I decided to quit taking the med, I needed some time alone to just talk to God and let it go. Typically, I'm the lady taking up half the trail with my big jogging stroller, weaving in and out of people on the busy dirt track. There are always zillions of awesome Austinites out and about. Any of you who know what the trails around Town Lake in Austin are like, would appreciate the blessing I was given that morning. Check out my view. I had to stop and take a picture because it really was unbelievable. 5 miles. Not a single freaking person. I kept thinking, is this real life? I called Jonathon when I was done and he thought it sounded scary. haha. I had the trail all to myself with the smell of the rain and the beautiful trees. The sun popped out. Cool breeze on my face. It was exactly what I needed to clear my head and just be grateful. No worries. Just thankful, thankful, thankful. Peaceful. Happy.

I'm choosing to let go of control (for now. well, at least a month. hahaha) and let life do it's beautiful thing.

Win the Day!
Love
Jenn

What happens in Vegas...

Happy birthday to me! Had a long weekend with my besties from college in Vegas to see Madonna. We planned this months ago and were all very ready for a vacay, so of course things got a little wild. We had the best time. Laughed so hard for 4 days straight, my stomach hurt. I won't share much from our trip because you know the saying...but here are a few snips...

We spent most of the weekend in public places recording Madonna videos. heehee. Cracking ourselves up. I have found that the older I get, the less I give a crap about what people think. I remember being younger and seeing those groups of old wild ladies getting their groove on wherever they wanted to...we are slowly (or quickly) becoming members of that club.

I'll share one of our group videos, not because it's my favorite one, but because when I got home, Austin has been obsessed with watching all of them and recreating them with me.

The original:

The version choreographed and produced by Austin. He said mom, you be Maaya and I'll be Seemay:

Heehee.

I am so thankful for my friends. So so thankful.
Love
Jenn

Say it ain't so!!

This morning, Austin said, 'Mommy! I'm your special gift from God!' so sweet. and so true. I tell him that every day. Sometimes I wish he was my special gift from God who would quit growing quite so fast. haha.

I'm in total denial that Austin turned 4 this week. But the proof is in the sugar filled desserts he capitalized on for every meal. haha. We are definitely sugar detoxing over here at the Kinchen house. Had a great time celebrating with a bunch of our family, grown up friends, and lots and lots of wild little friends at Austin's birthday party.

Pretty entertaining trying to round up a group of 20 little ones for a photo. God bless preschool teachers!

Lots of special visitors for the weekend

When Austin woke up on his actual birthday he let dad know that he better get to driving to the donut shop and walked me to the frying pan to get his bacon cooking...no seriously...that really happened. And obviously by the picture, we followed orders. It's no secret who's running this house. 

For his birthday dinner, Austin requested Shake Shack where Jonathon's friend hooked him up with a special ice cream treat. It's his new favorite spot. Dad's definitely not disappointed since milkshakes are a staple in his daily diet. And although I don't care much for their food menu...they do have wine, so it's a solid win-win-win for the Kinchen fam. 

We had a great weekend. Always amazed at the awesome people we have found along our path who we can count on to help us eat some sugary junk and win the day.

Happy 4th Bud!

Love
Jenn

Mom, is today another sad day?

When I was pregnant, Jonathon and I used to take long walks every night we could together and talk about what we would do when she went to kindergarten, got asked out on her first date...what about if she got caught drinking in high school? (remember, we thought we were having a girl who we had already named Isabella up until a few weeks before our wild little monkey Austin arrived! haha). Lots of silly conversations that were relevant at the time. Of course, we had the idea that our perfect kid would 'never do that' and no matter what came up, we would handle it absolutely perfectly. Now I know that if we both walk out the door with pants on, I'm winning big time. I also have some explaining to one day about why Austin has a tutu in his baby box. haha.

Turns out that the 10 months of pre-game conversations don't even come close to touching some of the things that parents deal with when they have a child. And I already know that after only being a parent for 3 years. Like what is our team going to do when he acts like a total butthead at a restaurant or tells someone that they don't like the gift they gave him or announce that the big guy in front of us smells funny (when the big guy is still standing in front of you). haha. Kids can really put you in your place. But beyond the things that you can look back at and laugh at, there are tough things that life brings on, tough things that you cannot plan enough to prepare for yourself or your child. 

Because of my breast cancer diagnosis when Austin was 2 years old, I have talked a lot to him about death and Heaven. Not because I thought that I wasn't going to make it through (I told y'all I knew I was going to be ok!), but because I realized how real death is and how I owed it to my kid to talk to him about some of these very real things in the most 2 year old way I could. And we are still talking about it at 3. We also talk about things like if fish kiss. And why the sky is blue. Try explaining to a 3 year old why you get down to your birthday suit and let a stranger spray you with brown paint so your skin looks darker!! Now that I think about it, spray tans are kind of dumb. Some of our kid's questions seriously make talking about death seem easy peasy. 

Turns out, all of our special talks about 'dying and going to Heaven' would actually become relevant and our little guy Austin would have understanding and words to talk to grown ups around him about the subject in a very heartfelt and honest way. 

My 15 year old cousin, Nick, passed away in a tragic car accident Labor Day weekend. I won't go into details, honestly because I just can't. My heart is broken. My family is shattered. No one saw this coming. Jonathon woke me up at 1:30 am to tell me what happened and I cried and prayed and then got my act together and packed our bags, woke up Austin, and we were headed back home at 6 am. I just needed to get us home. 

I explained to Austin that when we got home to Grand Island, people were going to be sad and crying because they weren't going to see Nick again on Earth. Austin told me that he wasn't sad because Heaven is a great place. Well, yeah, thanks for reminding me of that, kid. But it still just didn't seem real and I didn't know what to prepare my kid to see and hear. 

He was the best little buddy I could have ever asked for on that trip...

When Austin and I were flying, I cried. a lot. I'm sure y'all aren't surprised! I was so worried about my family. So shocked. I knew that Nick was okay. He was gone. God reached in the car and took him. He had no fear and no pain. Austin kept telling me 'It's ok Mom, I know you're sad about Nick going to Heaven.' He peeked out our airplane window looking for Nick's angel wings poking out of the clouds, wondering how high Heaven really could be. He asked me if Nick was going to get to play football with Jesus (I talked to Austin a lot about Nick being the best football player). We talked about Heaven and how Nick really believed in Heaven and that's how I know he's there right now. 

I don't really have much else to say about that. Everyday when Austin wakes up and crawls into bed next to me, he says, 'Mom, is today another sad day?'. When we walk by random people, he will ask if they are sad about Nick too. If I sigh or take a deep breath, he says, 'Mom, I know you're sad about Nick' and gives me a big hug. He keeps telling me that I can still talk to Nick. 'He can hear us talk mom!' And I've heard him have little conversations with Nick since he's passed away. It's pretty cute. 

I feel so lucky to have spent time with Nick 5 days before the accident. Austin and I were able to fly home for my Gramma's birthday to surprise her. I have imagined Nick since as an Angel, with that big smile (yes, big mouths obviously run in the family) and his strong arms around us keeping us safe just like in the picture.

Talk about a kid who was inspirational...there were literally THOUSANDS of people at his funeral service. And the viewing took over 8 hours to get everyone through to pay their condolences. It was amazing. No one had any clue the impact Nick had on his friends and the community. 

Someone made a really sweet tribute video of Nick I'd like to share. He was a big strong boy! 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9Stx6EF9iA

Our family started a college scholarship fund in Nick's name. 

If you're interested in making a contribution, you can send the checks directly to: 

Monte Galvan

4116 Texas Ave

Grand Island, NE 68803

Thoughts and prayers are much appreciated. As I can only imagine, time passing does not make this any easier on my Aunt and Uncle. I do wish that the world would just stop for a while for them to catch their breath. Their faith is strong. And they have comfort that Nick's was too. 

Dr. Uyeki and I have talked about things like this happening a lot. Why I shouldn't worry about cancer recurrence because anything can happen at any moment. If I spend time worrying, I'll miss the present seconds passing. Your time on Earth is precious and numbered. Make a difference. Tell the people you love how much they mean to you. And please don't forget to WIN THE DAMN DAY. 

#58strong

Love 

Jenn