Is this real life??

Woke up with this little stinker tucked in next to me. I have no clue how long he's been there. Cracks me up. I love staring at him when he's quiet and still. It's a rarity. Trust me. Seems like I'm dreaming.

I've updated y'all a bit about the medication that Dr. U recommended I continue as part of a maintenance drug protocol to prevent Estrogen positive breast cancer recurrence (ER+). Mostly requests to forgive my cookiness and blame the Tamoxifen :)

Tamoxifen is  a common drug for premenopausal women with a history of ER+ breast cancers. The standard guidelines do recommend this drug for me too...although, technically, I had triple negative breast cancer (2 biopsies showed very very low ER+ results...only 2-4%). Even though I had a very low percentage of ER+ receptors on the tumors I had, I am still considered a triple negative breast cancer survivor.

Tamoxifen does not stop my body from producing Estrogen, but it does basically bind to the Estrogen my body makes and makes it useless (in the event that cancer cells developed that 'feed' on Estrogen, this would be a good thing!). But bottom line is, my body did not produce those types of cells and taking this medication has no real known benefit for me, some scary risks, and lots of icky side effects. And I've had 2.5 really smart doctors tell me this (Dr. U only counts as a half-not half smart, but half a vote. haha. because even though he told me this, he is the only one who thinks I should continue on the drug). I've been taking the pill everyday. Every day for over a year now. My first 3-4 months were a nightmare. Now, I feel much much better. But still, I don't believe to my potential. And also, my gut has always told me that this stuff is bad for me. My body needs Estrogen to fuel things and balance things. The hormones in our bodies are a very delicate beautifully created system. Jacking with these things does not feel right. Especially knowing that there is a very small theoretical benefit to preventing a cancer recurrence for a cancer that I never really had in the first place.

Every single dang day when I pop that Tamoxifen pill, I think, I can do this. This might be the thing that keeps me cancer free. But my brain says, 'Jenn! Don't do it! This pill is not good for you and pretending that it is a miracle drug is silly.' Sometimes I think about it so long, it starts dissolving in my mouth before I even swallow it. Blech. This is not a great way to start the day. There is no reason to continue on a track powering through all that I have been just because I want to have some type of control of my situation. It's not real. I've given it up to God. Asked Him to take over. I have had so many signs that this is not right for me. Like one of the best triple negative breast cancer doctors in the world say, 'Jenn, this is not right for you.' hahaha.

I've mentioned before that I will do whatever I have to do to prevent a recurrence of breast cancer. Trust me, living without Estrogen is not a comparison to living with breast cancer and chemo. But after lots and lots and lots of praying, I've decided to take a Tamoxifen break. I stopped taking it a few days ago. No, I don't feel any different. hahaha. But I am going to give it a shot for a month or 2 and see. I may end up picking it back up because I'm still crazy even without the drug and I need something to blame it on :)

When I decided to quit taking the med, I needed some time alone to just talk to God and let it go. Typically, I'm the lady taking up half the trail with my big jogging stroller, weaving in and out of people on the busy dirt track. There are always zillions of awesome Austinites out and about. Any of you who know what the trails around Town Lake in Austin are like, would appreciate the blessing I was given that morning. Check out my view. I had to stop and take a picture because it really was unbelievable. 5 miles. Not a single freaking person. I kept thinking, is this real life? I called Jonathon when I was done and he thought it sounded scary. haha. I had the trail all to myself with the smell of the rain and the beautiful trees. The sun popped out. Cool breeze on my face. It was exactly what I needed to clear my head and just be grateful. No worries. Just thankful, thankful, thankful. Peaceful. Happy.

I'm choosing to let go of control (for now. well, at least a month. hahaha) and let life do it's beautiful thing.

Win the Day!
Love
Jenn

What happens in Vegas...

Happy birthday to me! Had a long weekend with my besties from college in Vegas to see Madonna. We planned this months ago and were all very ready for a vacay, so of course things got a little wild. We had the best time. Laughed so hard for 4 days straight, my stomach hurt. I won't share much from our trip because you know the saying...but here are a few snips...

We spent most of the weekend in public places recording Madonna videos. heehee. Cracking ourselves up. I have found that the older I get, the less I give a crap about what people think. I remember being younger and seeing those groups of old wild ladies getting their groove on wherever they wanted to...we are slowly (or quickly) becoming members of that club.

I'll share one of our group videos, not because it's my favorite one, but because when I got home, Austin has been obsessed with watching all of them and recreating them with me.

The original:

The version choreographed and produced by Austin. He said mom, you be Maaya and I'll be Seemay:

Heehee.

I am so thankful for my friends. So so thankful.
Love
Jenn

Say it ain't so!!

This morning, Austin said, 'Mommy! I'm your special gift from God!' so sweet. and so true. I tell him that every day. Sometimes I wish he was my special gift from God who would quit growing quite so fast. haha.

I'm in total denial that Austin turned 4 this week. But the proof is in the sugar filled desserts he capitalized on for every meal. haha. We are definitely sugar detoxing over here at the Kinchen house. Had a great time celebrating with a bunch of our family, grown up friends, and lots and lots of wild little friends at Austin's birthday party.

Pretty entertaining trying to round up a group of 20 little ones for a photo. God bless preschool teachers!

Lots of special visitors for the weekend

When Austin woke up on his actual birthday he let dad know that he better get to driving to the donut shop and walked me to the frying pan to get his bacon cooking...no seriously...that really happened. And obviously by the picture, we followed orders. It's no secret who's running this house. 

For his birthday dinner, Austin requested Shake Shack where Jonathon's friend hooked him up with a special ice cream treat. It's his new favorite spot. Dad's definitely not disappointed since milkshakes are a staple in his daily diet. And although I don't care much for their food menu...they do have wine, so it's a solid win-win-win for the Kinchen fam. 

We had a great weekend. Always amazed at the awesome people we have found along our path who we can count on to help us eat some sugary junk and win the day.

Happy 4th Bud!

Love
Jenn

Mom, is today another sad day?

When I was pregnant, Jonathon and I used to take long walks every night we could together and talk about what we would do when she went to kindergarten, got asked out on her first date...what about if she got caught drinking in high school? (remember, we thought we were having a girl who we had already named Isabella up until a few weeks before our wild little monkey Austin arrived! haha). Lots of silly conversations that were relevant at the time. Of course, we had the idea that our perfect kid would 'never do that' and no matter what came up, we would handle it absolutely perfectly. Now I know that if we both walk out the door with pants on, I'm winning big time. I also have some explaining to one day about why Austin has a tutu in his baby box. haha.

Turns out that the 10 months of pre-game conversations don't even come close to touching some of the things that parents deal with when they have a child. And I already know that after only being a parent for 3 years. Like what is our team going to do when he acts like a total butthead at a restaurant or tells someone that they don't like the gift they gave him or announce that the big guy in front of us smells funny (when the big guy is still standing in front of you). haha. Kids can really put you in your place. But beyond the things that you can look back at and laugh at, there are tough things that life brings on, tough things that you cannot plan enough to prepare for yourself or your child. 

Because of my breast cancer diagnosis when Austin was 2 years old, I have talked a lot to him about death and Heaven. Not because I thought that I wasn't going to make it through (I told y'all I knew I was going to be ok!), but because I realized how real death is and how I owed it to my kid to talk to him about some of these very real things in the most 2 year old way I could. And we are still talking about it at 3. We also talk about things like if fish kiss. And why the sky is blue. Try explaining to a 3 year old why you get down to your birthday suit and let a stranger spray you with brown paint so your skin looks darker!! Now that I think about it, spray tans are kind of dumb. Some of our kid's questions seriously make talking about death seem easy peasy. 

Turns out, all of our special talks about 'dying and going to Heaven' would actually become relevant and our little guy Austin would have understanding and words to talk to grown ups around him about the subject in a very heartfelt and honest way. 

My 15 year old cousin, Nick, passed away in a tragic car accident Labor Day weekend. I won't go into details, honestly because I just can't. My heart is broken. My family is shattered. No one saw this coming. Jonathon woke me up at 1:30 am to tell me what happened and I cried and prayed and then got my act together and packed our bags, woke up Austin, and we were headed back home at 6 am. I just needed to get us home. 

I explained to Austin that when we got home to Grand Island, people were going to be sad and crying because they weren't going to see Nick again on Earth. Austin told me that he wasn't sad because Heaven is a great place. Well, yeah, thanks for reminding me of that, kid. But it still just didn't seem real and I didn't know what to prepare my kid to see and hear. 

He was the best little buddy I could have ever asked for on that trip...

When Austin and I were flying, I cried. a lot. I'm sure y'all aren't surprised! I was so worried about my family. So shocked. I knew that Nick was okay. He was gone. God reached in the car and took him. He had no fear and no pain. Austin kept telling me 'It's ok Mom, I know you're sad about Nick going to Heaven.' He peeked out our airplane window looking for Nick's angel wings poking out of the clouds, wondering how high Heaven really could be. He asked me if Nick was going to get to play football with Jesus (I talked to Austin a lot about Nick being the best football player). We talked about Heaven and how Nick really believed in Heaven and that's how I know he's there right now. 

I don't really have much else to say about that. Everyday when Austin wakes up and crawls into bed next to me, he says, 'Mom, is today another sad day?'. When we walk by random people, he will ask if they are sad about Nick too. If I sigh or take a deep breath, he says, 'Mom, I know you're sad about Nick' and gives me a big hug. He keeps telling me that I can still talk to Nick. 'He can hear us talk mom!' And I've heard him have little conversations with Nick since he's passed away. It's pretty cute. 

I feel so lucky to have spent time with Nick 5 days before the accident. Austin and I were able to fly home for my Gramma's birthday to surprise her. I have imagined Nick since as an Angel, with that big smile (yes, big mouths obviously run in the family) and his strong arms around us keeping us safe just like in the picture.

Talk about a kid who was inspirational...there were literally THOUSANDS of people at his funeral service. And the viewing took over 8 hours to get everyone through to pay their condolences. It was amazing. No one had any clue the impact Nick had on his friends and the community. 

Someone made a really sweet tribute video of Nick I'd like to share. He was a big strong boy! 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9Stx6EF9iA

Our family started a college scholarship fund in Nick's name. 

If you're interested in making a contribution, you can send the checks directly to: 

Monte Galvan

4116 Texas Ave

Grand Island, NE 68803

Thoughts and prayers are much appreciated. As I can only imagine, time passing does not make this any easier on my Aunt and Uncle. I do wish that the world would just stop for a while for them to catch their breath. Their faith is strong. And they have comfort that Nick's was too. 

Dr. Uyeki and I have talked about things like this happening a lot. Why I shouldn't worry about cancer recurrence because anything can happen at any moment. If I spend time worrying, I'll miss the present seconds passing. Your time on Earth is precious and numbered. Make a difference. Tell the people you love how much they mean to you. And please don't forget to WIN THE DAMN DAY. 

#58strong

Love 

Jenn

Who's Counting??

This picture cracked me up. Jonathon excited about something that I think is silly and I try my best to be interested, but I can't get that 'are you serious?' look off my face. hahaha. I tried, but honestly, my phone could be missing all day and I wouldn't notice, so most of his gizmos are way out of my realm. Especially one that attaches to your wrist with constant nonstop feed. No thank you. We celebrated our 7 year anniversary this month. Maybe in 7 more I'll get better at hiding that face? I'll get a lot of practice because my husband is not slowing down with his gadget collection.

So far July has been a big old blur. An amazingly fun blur. But a blur.

Had quite a few visitors in and out of the house. We have also traveled quite a bit.

Spent 4th of July with my family in Nebraska. Austin and Grampa ate a lot of pickles.

Saw a new dentist and had 2 root canals removed. I might update you on why I chose this procedure later. If you're interested, here's the dentist I consulted. I know. I know. Another cooky thing to do...vitamin c iv treatments and acupressure sessions for 3 days. haha. Not your run of the mill dentist that's for sure. It was not very fun and even though they were way in the back, because my smile is so gigantic, the holes show. hahaha. I won't have implants in for a few months, so get your hillbilly Jenn photos now! Because I plan on spending the next few months smiling a whole lot. The procedures were done in Marble Falls and we stayed in a sweet house on the Colorado River. Aunt Boog and Paw Paw Gene enjoyed the amenities while I enjoyed smoothies and lots of sleep :)

PLUS we celebrated 1 year out from my very last radiation treatment by spending another week in our favorite city in California with some of our favorite people in the world (well, actually everyone else was on vacay, but I secretly knew it was my one year mark. I could count down to the day for the last 365 days. I don't know when those days turn into counting months or years. But today, even chemo brain is not making that date blurry for me). It was the best trip. Even though I mostly ate pureed food because of my missing teeth. haha. Pureed food in 70 degree weather on the beach can't be beat by a steak in the 100 degree heat of Texas! Especially with the crew that joined us.

Safari!

Hawkins family made it too!! We decided next trip we are bringing a babysitter. hahaha. 

Of course, a trip to Del Mar. Dad wouldn't miss an opening weekend at the track. Not sure who the happy phototbomber is.  

Mariah's first time at the beach! 

So fun! Another buddy from home staying on the same dang street we did! 

another zoo trip

Moms and the boys. You can kind of see my missing teeth. Told you. Lots of smiling planned ahead. Teeth or not. 

Was a total beach bum this trip. He LOVED the ocean.

Jonathon says he doesn't look back at the last year. He's a real Win the Day model thinker :) I think about it every stinking day. I have some triggers that still get me in the gut. Like hearing the chemo IV's make when they are done running at my doctor's office. Trying to wear a swimsuit with one breast. Someone asking me when we are going to have another kid.

I'm feeling less and less traumatized by it all...I can speak pretty openly about some of the stuff that happened and the side effects that I continue to experience (there are still quite a few things that get me choked up...some that I've shared with y'all...some that I've kept locked up in my vault)...and sometimes I can talk about my feelings about it all...I feel stronger...the better for it all...but I haven't been writing many updates on WIN THE DAY lately. Maybe because we have been crazy busy, but also because I'm not quite sure where to go with this little family blog we started to keep you all updated on my health and recovery from treatment. I'm just not sure what to write about these days. I still have a lot going on in my life related to breast cancer, but I also want to be able to somehow some kind of way move on with my life. Find some kind of new normal.

But I also really really enjoy blogging. I can spew all of my feelings out on my computer about my journey through breast cancer treatment and recovery and don't even remember what I wrote or even think about anyone else reading it. Until my mom says, ' Jenn! I didn't know you wrote about your boobs so openly on the blog...you know I forwarded this to my boss?!' hahaha. Or I run into an old acquaintance from college who tears up as soon as he sees me. I seriously have no clue who is out there reading this! I know that y'all are out there (I can see how many people and what countries are hitting us up every day...and there are A LOT!).

For me, it's been kind of therapeutic. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry a little. But it always makes me feel better. Plus, I really really enjoy sharing pics of our adorable little rotten kid.

I had a visit with Dr. Jim this month (YES, I STILL have continued frequent doctors visits every month) and we chatted about a new job he was assigning to me. It's to work on moving on from being 'Jenn the breast cancer survivor.' Life is good today and we don't know what's around the corner for me or all of you special people. Gotta live it up every chance we can. Focus on the moment. Enjoy our damn lives. Trust in God. Trying to focus on Jonathon's little words of wisdom in our very first WIN THE DAY post. 

Soooo...whoever's out there still peeking in on our little Kinchen crew, stay tuned...not sure what's around the bend for us, but one guarantee is that there will be lots of pics of a growing 3 year old boy who we absolutely adore. Jonathon asked me the other day if I thought other people think Austin's annoying like he thinks other kids are annoying. haha. No way! He's perfect. haha. And pretty sure I'm still going to be talking openly about my boobs. Sorry mom.

So...maybe the people on our last flight might not have found his barf bag pretending complete with sounds very cute.

The sweet baby had his arm around me the entire flight. And the other thumb in his mouth. Vacation is exhausting! Now that's pretty cute, right?

Win the Day.

Love
Jenn

Babies. Brides. Barkley. and Dr. B.

Holy cow! So many people we love with so many exciting things happening in their lives!! It was the month of babies and brides for us...a really cute puppy...AND we have another doctor! My girlfriends are amazing. Love celebrating all of y'all :)

Aren't these little stinkers adorable?! All girls! And all perfect and healthy now at home with their tired, but happy moms and dads.

Baby Huntley

Baby Madison

Baby Olivia

And now for the brides...

Mr. and Mrs. Fields!! Bummed I didn't get a pic with the gorgeous bride, but caught one with some of my old co-workers. I look like a giant! haha. 

Tracy was such a beautiful bride...even while sipping moonshine :) I smartened up and hunched down for this pic so I didn't look so huge

BONUS...Auntie Maaya got a new puppy...Barkley. The cutest! Austin keeps telling people we can't have a dog because his mom and dad are allergic. 

And last, but not least...Dr. B finished residency, packed up and headed home to us in Austin!! Maaya and I got to join her for her graduation dinner with her family. Then, later that night, when tired Dr. B passed out, Maaya and I pretended like we had just graduated and drank her fancy celebration champagne in coffee mugs (she's a resident, coffee mugs were as good as it got). 

My girlfriends are some real ass kickers. So proud!! 

WIN THE DAY! 

Love

Jenn

DAD!

So late on posting HAPPY BIRTHDAY and Father's Day to Jonathon. He got to meet American Pharoah this month, so knowing that we couldn't top that with any gift, we opted for margaritas and ice cream to celebrate...it was a win-win-win for the Kinchen trio :)

I don't think much can top the famous birthday song by Austin for Dad's birthday last year, but here's a pretty good one that I thought was a cute father-son moment. 

Hope all of our favorite dads out there had a great Father's Day weekend! 

Love

Jenn