GUILTY!

I rarely have a conversation with a mom when something comes up that one of us is feeling guilty about something related to what we are or are not doing with our kiddos. Mothers' guilt is a real m'fer sometimes. It can take away from being present in the moment for all of the awesome things happening right under your nose and for taking pride in the things that you are doing. I can always recognize in another mom that she is doing a freaking awesome job and way above and beyond in so many ways, but in myself, I often still feel that I can do more or should do more. I am totally guilty of wallowing in my own mothers' guilt.

I didn't realize that one of the biggest weights on my shoulders related to reconstructive surgery is my mama guilt until the plastic surgeon I saw this week pointed it out me...the appointment went much better than my last! But I did have a teary eyed 'aha!' moment when I told him that I was still hesitant on having reconstructive surgery at all and he said, 'I imagine your hesitation is related to feeling guilty about having an elective surgery. You should think of this as part of your treatment, not as being selfish.' Well, yes, but I hadn't ever thought of it that way. That dang mothers' guilt is tricky and disguises itself in all kinds of ways. haha. This time, I actually left with a surgery plan. Kind of. At least some options for various surgery plans that he assured me I do not have to chose anytime soon. I can have the surgery I choose tomorrow or in 20 years. It's up to me. Now, that's the kind of appointment I prefer. Better than my last one where I left feeling pretty disappointed (but at least we got some good laughs out of it!). I'll fill yall in in details about this plastic surgeon's specialty area and my surgery decisions later. I have an appointment with my general surgeon next week where we are going to make our final decision on what to do with lefty and that will weigh in on where we go from there.

Had an awesome appointment yesterday with my oncologist, Dr. Jim. I really love him (and p.s. he loves me too!). We went over all kinds of things, but mainly, we discussed the effects Tamoxifen is having on my mood, sleep and severe anxiety. He assured me that they are all caused by the medication. I am not a crazy lady. Well, I kind of am, but it's chemically induced craziness, not just my normal level of craziness. I cried (surprise, surprise, I know). It's just so dang frustrating to have to take this daily pill that makes me not feel like myself. I go to bed every night telling myself that I am going to call Dr. Jim and tell him I'm not taking this medicine anymore. And then I get up the next morning and say, I can do this one more day. So, basically, we decided that I was going to keep going with that strategy for another 3 months until I see him again. He thinks that even though the benefit that I may have from this medication is small, it's still some benefit and due to the very aggressive nature of the tumor in my breast, we need all we can get on my side! He told me that some women who take Tamoxifen start feeling more 'normal' after some time on the med, but some just have to keep working to find things that alleviate the anxiety and help them to sleep. Honestly, all of the women I've asked who are on Tamoxifen about the difficulties I'm having give me this really sad eyed look and just nod. ha! That's not really very encouraging, but it's honest. Kind of a 'yup, welcome to the club' kind of acknowledgment. So...will be keeping on with our WIN THE DAY motto and get up every morning and just do the dang thing. I am remaining positive that some of my funky hippie trials will end up being the magical answer :)

Be proud of yourself today! Don't let that sneaky guilty feeling take away from all of the awesome things you do!

WIN THE DAY!
Love
Jenn

P.S. I am feeling a little guilty that our 3 year old was singing Baby Got Back in his crib last week. Haha. Here's a clip. Holy cow. Yes, the line that you think he's singing, is definitely the one he is singing. Kid's got a taste for the classics and apparently also for buns hun. hahaha.