I have to be honest. Walking around with one boob just doesn't bother me (as my always supportive other sister, Chanel, has pointed out many times, you can't even really tell since lefty has been through the breast feeding wringer anyway!). The only time I have felt a little self conscious is at a few appointments, various providers have pushed for me to get prosthetics (these bras that basically an implant fits into...I think that they thought I didn't know about them or that I must be going through this awful daily emotional heartache of having my right breast destroyed) and now with the most recent push for plastic surgery appointments.
Now...a little side note...this is totally MY experience. I absolutely do not knock people or think that they are silly for wanting to have a nice pair of matching boobs or if you already have those, wanting even nicer ones. It's just not something that I care about right now. Maybe never! I do have to admit though, I thought that maybe this was going to be the most fun part of this journey. Going into these fancy 'spa' like plastic surgeon offices where you get this smorgasbord of breast options and they would tell me that they could make me look like anything I wanted! haha. You know, like on those Beverly Hills plastic surgery shows? I even fixed what hair I have and wore sunglasses to fit in as just a girl who might be there for botox or some lipo and hide my breast cancer survivor status.
I had my first appointment earlier this week. It was scheduled to be a 2 hour consultation. Guess what? I was basically in and out in 15 minutes. What the heck. It took the guy 2 minutes of opening up my robe and looking at rightly to tell me that there was nothing he could do for me! He primarily does implant only surgeries and I just don't have enough breast tissue left after my mastectomy to be able to get an implant even with expanders first. He was going to refer to me to a different specialist. So, I kind of felt like I was 5 and ran out into the living room expecting a stocking full of candy on Xmas morning only to find my dad snoring on the couch in his underwear (sorry Dad). I started crying.
Now, I know that those of you who have been following our blog know that me crying at a doctor's appointment is no shocker (I even started tearing up at the optometrist a couple of months ago, who also happens to be one of my very best friends, because I was terrified that the scans she took would turn out to be something awful...and then I asked her if she did breast exams. haha. Just kidding. But I will pretty much ask any health professional to cop a feel, so she probably wouldn't have been shocked because she knows me so well), but I don't think that this guy was ready for influx of sudden tears. I came in there looking healthy and in typical Jenn smiling joking spirit and with the drop of a dime, I was bawling. Why was I so upset??
1. I didn't even want to be there in the first place. I'm not particularly bothered by the way I look right now. Of course, it's not ideal, but I'm okay with it. Through my tears, I got out that 'they wanted me to come here' I meant my other doctors, I'm sure he thought I was talking about the voices in my head.
2. I don't like it when people tell me that something is not an option for me. I want to have options and be able to decide what's best for me. I have always been an overachiever. Always (mostly) right. It made me feel like I had done something wrong by even being there in the first place. Weird, I know. I think I should've had more rejection and toughening up practice in my past to prepare me for this! Damn my family for always telling me I was smart and pretty and perfect! (Thank God for my sisters, they are the only ones who really keep it real for me). haha.
3. The type of surgery that this guy offers was pretty much the easiest route as far as breast reconstruction goes. His rejection means that if I decide to continue on the plastic surgery route, I'm looking at more extensive surgeries and possibilities of complications.
4. This was a reminder that the cancer treatment that we opted for did some extensive damage to my body. The chemo was tough, but the radiation that got little mention will also have major repercussions due to the tissue damage and continuing scar tissue development (this can go on for up to 2 years after treatment!). It's just so dang frustrating because I seriously do every gosh darn thing in my control to treat my body well and he reminded me that even though I look and feel better, my body is still majorly recovering.
5. Telling me that my only option for reconstruction consisting of 'flap' donor sites from other parts of my body, expanders, then possible implant made my stomach feel like a big rock dropped right into the bottom of my gut. I just can't imagine electing to miss that kind of time with my kid anytime soon. I was faced with almost a year of that kind of crap that was not in my control. I don't think I can do it right now.
There's more, but it's sounds really pathetic and negative like what if I waste all of this time doing something that I'm not even sure I want to do while I am feeling well and the damn cancer recurs and then I actually really do have to be out for the count?! That thought needs to be deleted from my brain. I am healthy. I am fine. I am going to be fine. The bottom line is, like I've said before, the moments we have are precious. They CANNOT be wasted. Now, that sounds a little more positive, right??
Icing on the cake is what happened for the other 13 minutes of my appointment after the plastic surgeon took a peek and closed the right side of my robe back up saying there was nothing he could do for me...he started giving me a consultation on how I could perk up and enhance LEFTY!! SAY WHAT DOC?! THAT'S MY BEST ASSET! THAT'S THE ONE THAT YOU JUST TOLD ME YOU CAN'T EVEN MATCH NOW IN IT'S SMALL DEFLATED STATE! ugh. Oh, guess what happened then?? He took pictures of me for my file. With an ugly crying face. My mom said that I just can't get a dang break with this stuff. Haha.
So I pretty much walked out of there with a summary that righty is too jacked up for a less invasive surgery, but there are lots of things that can be done for me to have one really amazing left breast. I guess there is still hope for the One Boob Wonder Halloween costume next year. hahaha.
I canceled my appointment for another consultation with a different plastic surgeon tomorrow. I'm going to spend the day being in good health, feeling good about myself and playing with our unbelievable amazing kiddo!
WIN THE DAMN DAY PEOPLE and feel good about the skin you're in :)
Love
Jenn
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