Oh no, it's a goat!

Someone mentioned to me this week how much they wish they could send their kids off somewhere on the weekends and take a break (referring to Austin visiting my mom a couple of weeks ago). I know that this person knows that I'm hardly getting a break while I'm recovering from chemotherapy treatments and barely able to walk to the bathroom at times, let alone chase after a toddler, but nonetheless, it made me tear up a bit. Poor lady probably has never felt so awful making the cancer patient cry!! What she was saying was totally true for all moms and dads. Sometimes you just need a break! She has no clue that at this moment, I would love nothing else than to never have to send my kid off somewhere for the weekend again. And I know one day I'll regret saying this when I'm feeling better and ready for a break from my kid. haha.

So, of course I'm thankful that I can send him somewhere that he loves to be and that Jonathon and I feel 100% safe sending him to, but I hate every minute of it. First, it makes me feel like I'm sick (I know I'm kind of sick...I do have cancer and the drugs I'm taking are pretty much intended to kill my body just enough to kick the cancer and still keep me breathing...but keeping things as normal as possible really makes me feel better) and second, I don't want to miss a thing. Yes, I know, I'm a control freak, but I'm angry and can't help but think how unfair this all is for me and my family. I just want to have whatever kind of crazytown 'normal' is supposed to be for us and I'm not willing to accept that this is it for my Kinchen crew!

Before I had my first appointment with my oncologist, I had a discussion with my crew of 'experts' (bestie, Jonathon, mom and Chanel) and I made it clear that my biggest concerns were how bad all of this really might be (I didn't have all of my tumor biopsy results yet) and more importantly, how all of this was going to affect our kid. I let them know that I take my job as a mom very seriously (don't know many who don't!) and everyday, since the day Austin was born, my goal has been to make sure that he has the best day ever. I knew I was going to need help through all of this and I was thankful that each of them were there for us, but I made them promise that they wouldn't hate my guts when I became the biggest pain in their butts and seemed as if I wasn't grateful when I reamed them for something they did or didn't or might've thought about doing with my kid because that couldn't be farther from the truth. Of course, I'm grateful for each and every one of them and I trust them with my (and my kid's) life! The things I knew I was going to say to them are things only a bestie/daughter/sister can say to a bestie/mom/sister and they will still have to love you no matter what. haha. What I know now about my 2 biggest fears is:
1. I'm going to be okay
2. Austin hasn't skipped a beat :)

My crew has has been so kind to take the bags of things I send to their houses that they'll never use, lists of directions and schedules, and texts and calls to tell them that they are doing it all wrong. I've had crying fits and meltdowns. They do their very very best to follow my impossible rules, but no matter what, I just can't accept it. Yup, I'm pretty much the pain in their asses I promised to be. Good thing my kid's cute and they love him (oh yeah, and they love me too). I wish I could be more gracious, but honestly, I just can't be because I'm supposed to be the one doing what they are doing. It's my job. It's just not fair. Did I mention that I really do hate every minute of being away from my kid? It's been the hardest part of all of this for me.

BUT

today it's time to celebrate a big giant WIN for the Kinchens. These past 2 weeks Jonathon and I have been handling our business without too much extra help around the house. Honestly, I wouldn't let my mom or sister come near us for the past 2 weeks with a 10' pole. My mom has been taking me to and from treatments and when she brings me home, I pretty much kick her to the curb. Haha. I just am feeling ok enough to do it by myself (I know I sound like a 2 year old. Austin must be rubbing off on me!). Thank God. These past 2 weeks haven't been perfect. I've definitely needed help, but I've felt better than I have in a loong time and I've been enjoying every minute I can with just me and my guys.

Now, I also know that these visits from my mom and sister are not only about helping me. I can't imagine what it must feel like to have your daughter/sister going through breast cancer treatment and recovery. I know that them getting their eyes on me from time to time makes them feel better too. I really am as normal as I ever was (most of the time! and minus the ponytail. haha), so as long as I'm not super anemic and pale or have what Jonathon refers to as the 'chemo flushed look' right after treatments (isn't he sweet?), I think seeing me makes people feel better about what I'm going through. Hopefully they think I am doing okay and can do this :) Oh gosh, I hope this is true. I'm kind of oblivious to the way I look these days and only remember that I look like a cancer patient when I'm at a store and I catch someone giving me the 'I'm so sorry' look, or asking me why I don't have any hair or how I can have cancer when I'm so young...the list goes on...one day I'll make a post on the inappropriate questions and comments I've gotten since my diagnosis. Pretty entertaining.

This weekend was AMAZING for me. We had awesome weather and I was able to take Austin to the zoo ALL BY MYSELF. heehee. Sounds like a normal thing, but trust me, this is not something I've been able to pull off since October. It's huge. It was so fun. I was/am really tired from the excursion, but it was totally worth it.

Our train ride entertainment...if any of you have taken the Austin zoo train, you know what I mean when I say it's pretty darn boring. Haha. We recommend bringing a snack to kill some time!

Round 5 of Taxol scheduled for tomorrow. Hopefully nothing eventful to share with you about the day. Getting anxious about reaching the halfway point of this part of chemo. There's not much to do for the next couple of months except take the best care of ourselves we can as we get closer to a point when we will get more info about what our next move will be...

So, just a reminder for yall...I'm going to be okay, my family is going to be okay and we are WINNING THE DAY over here (minus the run in with the fierce Nigerian dwarf goat)!!

Love
Jenn