Wigging out

So...I have a wig. I've had it for a while. Some of you remember when I was first getting started with all of the chemo and bald business, I shaved my head and went wig shopping with my dream team. After deciding what I wanted, Jonathon's sweet sister in law ordered me a gorgeous (and expensive) piece that looks just like my old hair. I've had it for months. I've never even taken it out of the package. Well, actually I did. I sent it to a friend who knows all about fancy hair fixin up and she cleaned it up and got it lookin good. Just good enough for me to put right back on the shelf and peek at it every once in a while!

I'm glad I have it so I have the option to wear hair if I wanted to, but there's just something about having a wig on that makes me feel not like myself. Or like I'm trying to be back to my old self that's just not my real self anymore. I feel like it brings attention to me. Even wearing a scarf on my head makes me feel self conscious and extra chemo patient-y. haha. I just want to be as normal as possible and fly under the radar as a weird hardcore south Austin chick with a shaved head by choice (which is totally an everyday normal thing in our hood...even at the barber shop!!) haha. If only I had eyebrows and didn't have the pale chemo flushed look, this would doable in the awesome diverse funky city we live in...it's the perfect place for an undercover chemo patient. Austin frequently pulls my hat off my head at the grocery store and blows my hardcore chick cover by showing everyone my patchy chemo head fuzz. haha. Really, this is not about looking 'good' to me at all. It's about trying to be whatever I have in my mind 'normal' is for me. Don't care what I look like as long as people aren't looking at me like I'm sick or feeling sorry for me. So, glad I have the wig so that I don't feel like being bald isn't a choice for me, but can't get myself to wear it because I feel like I'm bald trying to look like I have hair. In a bad way. Not the way the swanky housewives of Beverly Hills look on Bravo.

More grateful than ever that I have many friends with many things to celebrate happening in their lives these days. But sometimes it means people fix their hair and put on makeup to go to these celebrations. haha. I've never really been a fan of either of these things. Now, I really hate it.

My bestie from growing up is getting married next month. Soooo excited for her. We have been friends for more than 20 years! The first thing I thought when she told me she was engaged was how much fun all of the party planning was going to be with her awesome family (and then of course, the actual partying right alongside my favorite party girl herself!).

Can't believe the pic on top is almost 20 years old?! We kind of look the same now, right? haha. Well, we still act the same sometimes. Minus the tans (no need for cancer references please, we've both obviously given up the bad habit)

Apes has celebrated and helped to get me through every dang life changing event that I've had in the last 20 years right by my side. I was thrilled when she got engaged because I couldn't wait to help to celebrate something amazing happening in her life! Her big girly wedding shower was this weekend and although I was excited to see her and her family, I was really dreading the whole getting dressed, fixing my hair and putting on makeup thing (but sooo thankful that I was feeling well enough to go!! Yay!! Super tired, but not enough to stop me from making the trip!!). Before heading to Houston for the party, I tried my wig on for both Jonathon and Chanel and both said I should just skip it and wear a scarf or my trusty black beanie. I was mad at both of them. I cried. I wanted them to say I looked normal and would just be recognized as old high school Jenn. I went to my closet by myself to have 30 more seconds of a pity party and then got my ass in gear so we could get on the road for the shin dig. I packed the wig, heels and an appropriate cutesy wedding shower dress to haul to Houston (along with a backup scarf, ballet flats and a comfy pair of skinny jeans) because I wasn't convinced that they were right yet. I knew I had 2.5 hours of a car ride with Chanel to think about it.

Turns out, I knew before we got to our first Buckee's stop 15 minutes into the drive, that I was totally wearing my pants and a scarf. Haha. They were right. I would be more comfortable in my scarf and no matter how hard I tried, that wig just doesn't look like me. And the harder I try to look different, the less comfortable I feel and the less fun I was going to have with my besties. I stopped by 'Line's to visit with her sweet mama on the way into town (she's the best friend to always make me feel good about just being myself) and she encouraged me to slip into some jeans and wrap my head up if I felt best that way (or even just go bald in my yoga pants!) and then hurry up and get my ass in her car so we could to drive to the party. This event required a lot of people giving me encouragement and then me to get my ass into gear to execute the plan. haha.

Of course, no one would have noticed me either way. The party was all about April and she was an amazingly perfect bride to be centerpiece for the party. How could anyone be distracted from the gorgeous (and entertaining) lady of the hour?! No one cared a lick about me, my bald head or my jeans (which p.s. were covered in mud from slipping and falling on my way into the party...so much for flying under the radar! But actually very much like old clumsy high school Jenn that everyone knew 15 years ago! haha). Seriously?! Yes, seriously. I fell in the mud while getting out of Caroline's car right in front of the party. Awesome. When I told mom about this happening, she had one of those trying not to laugh fits in the chemo room where you try not to laugh because you're not sure yet how the other person feels about it, but as your avoiding eye contact, your shaking and turning red from holding the laugh in...she finally just let loose and cracked up in my face. haha. Is it weird that falling in the mud and then having my mom make fun of me about it are the kinds of things that make me feel so totally normal and awesome?!

So great catching up with these girls...all doing amazing things in their lives. Such a talented (and good loookin) group I grew up with!

So, maybe I'll give the wig another good ol try before my hair gets any longer and I don't need it anymore! Maybe not...but for now, I'm going to just keep on being me and by the grace of God, be healthy enough and lucky enough to have a husband, a sister and friends who help to get me to get my ass in gear and be present for all of these amazing moments. That was a mouthful. I'm too tired to put on a wig and fix my makeup just reading that last sentence :)

Get your ass in gear and do something today...as the you...the REAL you...I LOVE YOU that way!! 

Jenn