Treat yourself well!

Although Jonathon hates coconut and coffee and really even just sitting outside in the sun (unless there's an adult beverage in his hand or a race horse trotting by), sometimes we talk him into joining Austin and me for some of our favorite stops around town that include 3 of his least favorite things...but 2 of his favorite people. Evens out I guess :)

Yummm...Picnik...yeah folks, my kid drinks $9 smoothies sometimes and I drink an $8 coffee every once in a while. Don't judge me too much. I drive an old cash car, don't buy clothes or makeup (and think about all of the money I'm saving lately on hair care!). My splurge is quality food. How could you resist real true BUTTER in your coffee?! And look at that happy healthy face (my kid's, not my husband's). haha. Worth every dime. 

Treat yourself well.
Love
Jenn

The Land of Happy

Auntie Maaya says Shel Silverstein was a wise man

There's a nurse in the infusion room who I absolutely adore. There are sections in the room and each nurse has a section. Some, honestly, are better than others. Hers is the best. I was lucky enough to be in her section most of the time. This lady was awesome. Some people just have that 'thing' whatever it is, that makes you feel better.

One of the meds I take has to be directly pumped by hand into my port, not by IV drip, so you get up close and personal for about 15 minutes to the person pumping the toxic drugs that make you instantly want to run away. It's gotta be someone special who can make you forget what you're going through in that moment. You are literally face to face with the person. You can hear each other whisper.  During one of our 15 minute dreaded sessions, she told me that she had lost her 21 year old daughter in a tragic car accident a couple of years ago. She whispered it. She teared up. I could just see the pain seeping from every pore in her body. I told her how unfair it is when you can look around and think how in the heck does this world keep turning sometimes? Everything should just stop for a minute and let me catch my stinking breath. She got it. She told me that when she's at a stop light and looks around at other cars, she wonders if any of those people feel the same way she does. It broke my heart, but I got it. I will never really get it, but I got it enough. I imagined my mom having some of these same feelings, although she puts on a good tough face. She keeps telling me. There's no crying in cancer. haha. We both know that's not true. As long as these steroids are flowing I'm crying about the tragedies in Nigeria and then cursing at the new dumb Housewife of NY on Bravo. I really can't wait for my last dose of steroids to be over with.

You would have cracked up at the boxes of paleo treats Jonathon and I hauled up to my treatment team offices. No candy and cookie trays coming from this girl!! haha. I wrote a handful of notes to those who have really gone above and beyond. And the note to my favorite nurse hit her kind of hard. She told me that everyday she wakes up and thinks why not me. Why am I left behind. What am I doing here...I reminded her of the role she has played for my family and how special and important she is to so many in her care. She has a purpose and her work here is not done! My family and I have thanked God for her many many times. She beams the light of an angel. That sounds dramatic, but I hope that you get the chance to meet someone like this at least once in your life. I have had the heartache and privilege to be a part of another very special friend's journey that ended in the loss of her daughter. I think of her strength daily, hoping only to channel a smidge to get through things sometimes. I've told you already, I'm really not brave and strong! Only as tough as those surrounding me and lifting me up!

So...going to try and keep this one in the forefront. Why me? What am I doing here? Make every day count and have a purpose. You never know who you may be making a difference for today.

Love
Jenn

Last and final chemo brain round 15

I've told yall a little bit about chemo brain. My last infusion hit me really hard. It's obviously been frustrating for me to have to deal with how much these drugs have taken a toll my entire body. That's their job. They don't discriminate. They wreak havoc just enough to hopefully clear the bad stuff away and keep enough of the good stuff to build upon during recovery. The worst was an incident that happened this weekend at a birthday party for one of Austin's sweet little buds at school.

Who's more into this pony ride??

There were carnival rides. Already a little stressful for our cautious little guy. Although he's a wild one, he likes his to be busy and loud within his predictable routines. I made him try them. Of course, he just whined a little bit. If he would've truly been scared I would never have strapped him into those cars traveling in a circle as fast as a herd of turtles, but he was just a little resistant, so I put on my best smile and cheerleader face and waved every time he came around the bend. He was even brave enough to ride the ponies (He held that close to me the whole time and kept saying 'I keep trying to fall off!' So cute). I hope he keeps some of this with him as he grows up...be the kid who has to go to the bathroom when his friends are sneaking shots of tequila from my cabinet, stays behind to eat some ice cream rather than drag racing a car on a dark street...a mommy can dream right?? Then it came to the boat rides. So, I'd already been through the routine of buckling him in and out of these rides with a very simple clip and hoop. Couldn't have been an easier contraption by design. Fool proof. I had already done it twice. Clipped him in the ride, but this time, when the ride was over, I stared at the darn clip like it was a rubix cube. Seriously, I couldn't unbuckle my baby from the ride. I knew it was easy and I had done it before, but I couldn't get my hands to do what I wanted them to do. It was humiliating. I had the to ask the attendant for help after all of the other kids were off the ride. I told her my brain just wasn't working right. She looked at me like I was joking.

Haha. This pic was taken as he was rounding the bend, not because I couldn't unbuckle him! The bottom is a close up of how simple this dang thing that defeated me really was...ugh.

So, no fair, but par for the course. BUT I will tell you one thing that's just plain rude...why didn't anyone tell me there were ways to order how to cut a sideburn before??? Apparently the terms are straight line or point? What? I can't blame this incident on chemo brain, just on being an oblivious dork who was trying to save a dime at supercuts and another clogged drain from my hair falling out. Look what the barber did to me?! haha. Thank goodness the rest should be falling out soon. She didn't even ask me if I wanted 'points,' she just did it. And they weren't even good points. They're uneven and high up. I think that cutting points without your client requesting points specifically is just rude. Especially on a girl. And a cancer patient girl. My mom keeps telling me I will not have one ounce of vanity left after all of this is said and done. haha. I doubt it, I already have plans to talk about how awesome my eyebrows are as soon as they are back in full force :)

So, made it through a very rocky first night home with chemo. Definitely went out with a bang. If I had a 3rd round to do in a couple of weeks, I just might end up on a tropical island somewhere instead. Praise God. This is it for me for now. I know that my cancer treatment path will be unpredictable, but I know that this leg of this part of the race is done. Thank you, thank you, thank you. We did it.

Win the Day!!
Jenn

I'm really not that brave...

People tell me all the time...'You're sooo brave...how do you do it...you're such a strong person...' Lots of really nice things that elude to some special superpowers I must have to live a day in my life. I'm here to tell you, it's not true. I'm just as brave and strong as any one of you are and if I have an extra boost, it's only from the amazing people that have surrounded me and prayed for us (some of you, know who you are, had been hiding in the woodwork for a while and came back out right when I needed you the most. Thank you, thank you). 

And I also have to throw this out there...just because you have cancer or go through cancer treatment doesn't make you more of a special or nice person. There are just as many assholes walking around this infusion room as there are at the gas station. Seriously. I might be one of them, who knows. I'm too tired to be too much of an asshole, but I can give someone the business when I need to show them who's boss. Now that was the steroids talking. Next I'll be sending you a video of Austin singing a song about assholes with cancer. haha. 

I'm here in the lounge gearing up for my very last A/C treatment. I'm dreading it. I'm really not that brave and strong. I promise. What else would I do? Not get the treatment? Sit in a corner and cry? Run away to a tropical island? (that doesn't sound that bad, and I might have sat in a few corners and cried in the last 6 months too). This is the hand I was dealt. I'm just going with it. My attitudes and behaviors are mine, but no more worthy than any of you going through your daily trials and tribulations.

Soooo....I will keep you posted on radiation starting in a couple of weeks and there are also still things in the works for me regarding maintenance drugs and drug trials at the breast cancer center. For now, I'm winning the dang day by not unplugging myself from this IV and running away to a tropical island (I know of a really special island in Nebraska that sounds like a pretty nice place to be right now too!)

LOVE YOU (brave or not, asshole or not)
Jenn

American Idol here we come!

Dang! They hear EVERYTHING...

Not only do these little boogers hear everything, they eventually start SAYING everything too...kind of scary. For some reason, my hair falling out again has really bothered me. I'm having a major pity party over this one. I'm kind of sad about it, but more frustrated than anything. Maybe because I had it in my master plan that I was going to have some fuzzy coverage for the summer and not have to wear a hat. Maybe because I was secretly super excited to get another haircut. Maybe because it means this isn't over. Maybe because it's just another reminder that no matter how much I try and get things back to 'normal' it's just not in my gosh darn control. YES, I am STILL working on my lessons in control. Put me in a corner with a dunce cap on. I am majorly failing this one. I must be talking about my hair falling out a lot lately and here's how I know and here's why I'm not talking about it again from here on out...


Our kiddo is not a snuggler. He's just not. He's more of the chatty, wrestling, run around the room in circles screaming type. haha. But for whatever reason, last night when I was about to put Austin in his crib for bed, he asked me to hold him for a little bit. Cha-ching. Best feeling ever. If you rarely get a chubby arm wrapped around you, you take advantage of it any chance you can...even when it's bedtime and you're totally exhausted :) He started rubbing on my hair and pulled a few pieces out (they just fall out when you touch them right now) and said, 'Do you see that? Your hair's falling out again?!' I told him yes, I was going to be a bald eagle mama again, but it doesn't hurt and it will grow back to fuzzy head mama again soon. Austin said, 'No big deal mom.' (How many times do you think I say that in a day?? I'm sure you can imagine, me, the control freak, watching buckets of mess fall all over the house all day long behind my 2 year old and me cringing trying to calmly chant my 'No big deal' mantra over and over). Then he started singing a song...

'Settle down.
It will all be clear.
Don't pay no mind to the demons they fill you with fear.
Trouble it might drag you down.
If you get lost you can always be found.
Just know you're not alone.
I'm going to make this place your home.'

It was one of those perfect moments at the perfect time that you hope everyone in the world can have at least once in their lives. I've had a quite a few times things have happened to me and I thought...this was sent to me straight down from Heaven.

So, what a reminder that our little turkey is listening and learning with every single thing going on around him and how important it is for us to focus on the important things and praise God for our blessings loudly and clearly...because those are the things we want our kiddo to echo!!

Win the Day!
Jenn

P.S. Austin also said STUPID at least 5 times yesterday. Haha.

Home sweet home

Finally got to come home last night. I'm beat. Just because I was stuck in a bed for 5 days does not mean I got any dang sleep. I will fill you in on the deets later. Headed to, yup, you guessed it, more doctors appointments today :)

Love
Jenn

Happy Mother's Day...to you!

Happy Mother's day to all of your mothers out there!  If you haven't had a mimosa yet you are losing.  Send some poor guy who you have on your payroll to the store to get you some mimosa making materials and drink up....you deserve it.  I have always known my mom is pretty awesome but the last 2 years or so it has become more apparent.  A mothers love for her child is like nothing I have ever seen.  I used to think my mom was a little overboard with how much she loved me...then I saw jenn with Austin.  It made me realize that a mothers love for her child is without a doubt the most intense love there is.  It might actually be the most intense emotion that a human can have.  I am fortunate enough to have a front row seat to the greatest two moms I have ever seen.

These last 6 months or so aren't exactly like we all drew them up.  We have obviously had some obstacles, but one thing has gone unaffected...Austin.  We have had tons of support to help make that happen, but there is a mastermind behind the whole thing.  That mastermind has selflessly put herself, her health, and her comfort aside.  She chases him around the park days after chemo when the average person is laying in bed.  This person stayed up in the hospital all night after surgery stretching so she would be able to pick up our son when he she got home.  She cooks bacon for him when the smell makes her sick. She takes him to the zoo when turning on the TV would work just as well. This person stays patient when she has every right to be frustrated. Its amazing!  Everyday!  She doesnt take a day off....well, she takes some days off, but she makes sure her strict regimen is in place.  Jennifer, you are amazing.  We are all so thankful that our son, nephew, cousin, grandson, and little buddy has the most amazing mother he could hope for.

So grab that mimosa or Kambucha if you are in the hospital.....cheers to an unbelievable woman and an even better mom!

Thanks!
Jonathon

Happy Mothers Day!

Yes...I'm still locked up in the hospital. Still having a bit of pain, but now I'm having some other issues the drs. want to keep an eye on...hopefully, I will get to head home tomorrow for my special day. I'm probably one of the only mom's in the world right now that doesn't want to just snuggle up in my bed all day tomorrow...I've been doing that for DAYS!!! The only good thing I can say about being stuck inside this week is that my allergies have cleared up. haha.

Happy Mothers Day!! That's me and my mom when I was born and me and Austin when he was born. I always tell my mom that everything good in life I do is because of things I learned from her and all the other stuff I do is because of that other guy that I look like :) Just kidding. But I really do have the best mom in the world. Thank you to all of you other special mommies out there who I look up to and have learned so much from and also to those who are not yet mommies who have been Austin's fill-in mommy so many times for me in the last 6 months.

Love you.
Jenn

We are all tired today :)

Still stuck here in the good ol' South Austin Hospital. I'm feeling much better pain/discomfort wise and fever's gone, but I will still be here for at least one more night. We have to make sure I'm in the clear and able to transition to a more regular diet without any problems before getting out of here. Hopefully home by Saturday at the latest. Also talked with Dr. Jim this morning about my next round of chemo and we decided it's best to let my body fully recover and just wait an additional week, so this really feels like the chemo regimen that never ends! Geez. I am already party planning with an end in sight...

Daddy picked Austin's outfit for school today

I'm really missing my little guy Austin. Today was Mother's Day Tea at his preschool and Jonathon sat in for me (at the table with a bunch of 2 year olds and moms). He sent me videos of the whole thing and brought me a crown and wand that they made together for me. What a sweet Dad.

I look so pathetic. haha. I really am doing ok. I promise.

Jonathon had one of those fun days with a toddler when the 2 year old doesn't take a nap because he's hyped up on Mother's day tea cookies and a birthday party cupcake and all seems well until about 5:30 when toddler's totally exhausted and has no clue what he wants or doesn't want. haha. Been there! They facetimed me around 4 pm. All seemed well. Austin was at the super tired, but super hyper phase...Jonathon chased Austin around with the phone while he pushed a shopping cart yelling 'Mom, come on, I show you something...' I could only hear Jonathon's heavy breathing trying to keep up. It's one of those experiences that I'm glad Jonathon got a taste of because it's one of those things you just don't get until you're there yourself. haha. I have a feeling Jonathon might have a better understanding of why I have a sign on my doorbell that says 'do not ring.' I do NOT underestimate the power of a good nap for a 2 year old or for their caregivers. Jonathon called me a while ago to say everyone was safe and sound in bed. I'm pretty sure Dad thanked God tonight that he survived the day all the way to bedtime. That job ain't no joke friends. haha. I can't wait to get home and I think my guys are doing just fine without me, but they might be about ready for Mom to come home too.

Pics of the 30 minute facetime session. Every pic I tried to catch was blurry. He's a fast little sucker. Even when he's wiped. 

Hoping to win the day by getting some sleep tonight!!!
Love
Jenn

NO FAIR

I say no fair. My surgeon says shitty luck. Dr. Jim says it's all to be expected, or at least there is an explanation. haha. I'm still having a pity party though. NO FAIR!!!

Had a some abdomen pain Monday night, went in for a scan and a visit with Dr. Jim Tuesday and found out that I have diverticulitis. Seriously?! I'm so annoyed. What are the risk factors for diverticulitis you ask? Low fiber diet, eating processed foods, no exercise, obesity, being over the age of 60...that's not me....like not even one of those things is me. Maybe at different times in my life a couple of those things were me, but not lately and some, not ever. I'm going with my theory. NO FAIR.

I was sent home with an antibiotic, but my fever kept high through the night, so guess where I got myself a first class ticket to this morning...yup...good old South Austin Hospital. And here I will be for the next few days. NO FAIR. I cried when Dr. Jim told me he was going to admit me. Then he hugged me (in front of his staff, which might have been worth the trip to the hospital just to see the looks on their faces. haha. They have to know their boss is a nice guy, but rarely do you get to see the real softy side of a serious dorky oncologist).

So here I am, still running a fever, still having a little abdominal pain. But the worst part? I'm on a clear liquid diet!!! NOOO!!! I love to eat. And I eat a lot. When Dr. Jim asked if my appetite has been down and I told him yes, I only had a green juice, 3 eggs, a banana, and a whole milk yogurt this morning, he laughed. But seriously, I usually eat more than that before most people are out of bed yet! So a clear liquid diet is not something I'm excited about. I've already been game planning how I'm going to get some nutrition into me on this dang diet. No bouillon cubes, jello or apple juice for me. I've been chugging kombucha and sweet Jonathon drove all the way out to Round Rock to grab me some good old grass-fed bone broth :)

.

Dr. Bob, my surgeon, has made a stop by to check in and Dr. Jim will be swinging by tonight. Again, we are feeling really lucky for the team that cares for me. They are a special group. And they never take my crazy lady ways with a grain of salt. Thank goodness we didn't let this fester. I will be okay. This is very treatable. Just need a little extra TLC because of the effects the chemo treatments have had on my blood counts and body. I was reminded several times today that this is temporary.

I'll keep you posted on what kind of trouble I get myself into here.
Love
Jenn

Friends and ice cream

It's been quite the frustrating week for me. I never know how I'm going to be feeling and hate planning my day around most likely feeling yucky. A few of my most favorite girls from my old job came into town to visit me this weekend. I had lofty plans which involved an attempt to walk downtown. It just seemed like something totally normal to do. Just a few blocks. Nope. Couldn't do it. So frustrating. Thankfully, my friends were really just there to visit and the awesome weird citizens of Austin walking the Pecan Street Fest did all of the entertaining necessary. I talked with them about how I've had to change my tendency to just pretend like everything's ok and be real with people about how I feel. At one point during lunch I had to tell one of my friends who was asking me questions about life that I just couldn't talk for about 15 minutes. Carry on. I'd join in as soon as I caught my breath. It passed and we chatted and laughed. I love these girls! They were so supportive of me when we made the choice for me to resign from my job when Austin was born and pack up to head to back to Austin where Jonathon had started up our new business venture. True friends that just want what's best for you (even if it means leaving them high and dry in the middle of a school year!!). We all can see now how critical that move was for our family. What in the heck would we do if we were stuck in DFW while Aunt Stinky, Granny and Aunt Boog were here in Austin?? So thankful for many reasons that we are settled back in our favorite city. Love my ISS girls!!

I've had a few cardio tests run and will most likely also have some kidney and liver functioning panels completed to check on how these toxic drugs are affecting my systems. Should get results on those next week before my next and hopefully, final A/C infusion. I'm pretty worn down. I forgot how these drugs effect my emotions. I feel like a crazy lady!! I also forgot about the chemo brain symptoms. I actually had a full on conversation with Auntie Maaya as if she was Austin last week. I even gave her a snack! Austin was sitting on the couch watching. It was as if I was watching myself from the outside. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't stop it. So strange. I know that this will take time to heal also. Please don't hold it against me if I do something super weird! haha. I would like a little bit longer to blame that on the drugs :) Only have to hang in there for one more treatment. We CAN DO IT!!!

Especially if I can continue to take trips to our favorite ice cream shop with my favorite guy. Austin asked me to 'take a picture of our ice cream mom!' heehee.

Still anxiously awaiting my hair fallout this week. Dr. U thought I wouldn't have as much time as I did last time...at least we know it will always come back :)

Be yourself. Be honest. Surround yourself with people who get you (even the drug pumped, hormonal, confused chemo brain self!)

Thanks again to each of you for all of your thoughts and prayers. 
Love you!
Jenn

How could you not feel better waking up to this?

Yes, our kid is 2 and we still use a video monitor. It works for us. I think the funniest thing about this device is that because we have always just responded to him rustling around in his bed to get him up, he's never even attempted to climb out of his crib on his own, nor learned to call us into his room...Austin thinks that when he kicks his feet around, someone will magically appear at his door. Well, I guess that about sums up how it does work at our house! Sometimes I watch him on the monitor kick with a little more intensity and rhythm if we take a little longer to come. haha. Like there's a secret leg kicking password :)

Woke up to this little rendition of one of our fav songs yesterday. Not a bad way to wake up (or if you've been awake pumped up on steroids, to finally, have someone else be up with you). How many times do you think I've sang this song to him?? haha. At the end of the video, he's saying, 'How does it go?' Not the greatest video, but the sound byte is the best.

I'm feeling much better from Monday. Still pumped on steroids (today's my last dose of those for the week). Hopefully, will be resting more soundly and feeling less like a crazy lady by this weekend.

How WONDERFUL life is!
Love
Jenn