The Land of Happy

Auntie Maaya says Shel Silverstein was a wise man

There's a nurse in the infusion room who I absolutely adore. There are sections in the room and each nurse has a section. Some, honestly, are better than others. Hers is the best. I was lucky enough to be in her section most of the time. This lady was awesome. Some people just have that 'thing' whatever it is, that makes you feel better.

One of the meds I take has to be directly pumped by hand into my port, not by IV drip, so you get up close and personal for about 15 minutes to the person pumping the toxic drugs that make you instantly want to run away. It's gotta be someone special who can make you forget what you're going through in that moment. You are literally face to face with the person. You can hear each other whisper.  During one of our 15 minute dreaded sessions, she told me that she had lost her 21 year old daughter in a tragic car accident a couple of years ago. She whispered it. She teared up. I could just see the pain seeping from every pore in her body. I told her how unfair it is when you can look around and think how in the heck does this world keep turning sometimes? Everything should just stop for a minute and let me catch my stinking breath. She got it. She told me that when she's at a stop light and looks around at other cars, she wonders if any of those people feel the same way she does. It broke my heart, but I got it. I will never really get it, but I got it enough. I imagined my mom having some of these same feelings, although she puts on a good tough face. She keeps telling me. There's no crying in cancer. haha. We both know that's not true. As long as these steroids are flowing I'm crying about the tragedies in Nigeria and then cursing at the new dumb Housewife of NY on Bravo. I really can't wait for my last dose of steroids to be over with.

You would have cracked up at the boxes of paleo treats Jonathon and I hauled up to my treatment team offices. No candy and cookie trays coming from this girl!! haha. I wrote a handful of notes to those who have really gone above and beyond. And the note to my favorite nurse hit her kind of hard. She told me that everyday she wakes up and thinks why not me. Why am I left behind. What am I doing here...I reminded her of the role she has played for my family and how special and important she is to so many in her care. She has a purpose and her work here is not done! My family and I have thanked God for her many many times. She beams the light of an angel. That sounds dramatic, but I hope that you get the chance to meet someone like this at least once in your life. I have had the heartache and privilege to be a part of another very special friend's journey that ended in the loss of her daughter. I think of her strength daily, hoping only to channel a smidge to get through things sometimes. I've told you already, I'm really not brave and strong! Only as tough as those surrounding me and lifting me up!

So...going to try and keep this one in the forefront. Why me? What am I doing here? Make every day count and have a purpose. You never know who you may be making a difference for today.

Love
Jenn